by M. Kent Travis
No longer will the elevators in our academics buildings be used for the infirm, the aged, the needy. No longer will they be used for ease of transporting cumbersome and unwieldy classroom furniture.
No. The elevators’ primary use is now for athletes.
It seems that the most virile, physically fit, and agile are the ones that most desperately need the elevators.
Despite their low heart rates (due to hours of intense cardio training) and hardened bodies, the athletes of Brook Hill face too much risk when it comes to stairs.
When asked to explain, a senior wide receiver exclaimed, “Are you kidding me?! There are twenty-four stairs between floors in Founder’s Hall! If I took those three times a day, I’d be risking shin splints, a rolled ankle, a Charlie horse—heck! I might even pull a hammy!”
This reporter couldn’t believe the enthusiasm, nor the adamancy, of his answer. However, upon investigation, it was found that athlete after athlete has left the school’s stairwells hobbling and in excruciating pain.
One student—a strapping junior who scored 23 points in the basketball team’s last home game—was even found outside the men’s room on the second floor of Lauderdale Hall, curled up in the fetal position, weeping and mumbling something about his “Mommy.” When asked what happened, he said, “My toes… my toes… I strained my toes… on the stairs.”
Throughout the last few weeks, fifteen reports from at least three different sources have confirmed claims of palpitating heart beats, shortness of breath, minor discomfort in the calf, stiffness of knees, and even a splinter from a handrail.
“This is pandemic,” said one administrator. “The evidence from these three—maybe four—students is overwhelming. We knew we had to do something to save our athletes from further risk of injury.”
The result is the institution of what the administration is calling Athlete Elevator Affirmative Action. Athletes are not required to take an elevator when making the arduous journey between floors, but it is “strongly recommended” and “most advantageous to [their] health and well-being” to do so, as the freshly written policy states.
Headmaster Fletcher was not available for comment, but some of the administration absolutely beamed with pride as they ceremoniously cut the ribbon opening up the elevators for free and uninhibited ascending and descending between floors. “This is a real breakthrough in school safety for our athletes, up there with the modern football helmet and ankle brace,” they collectively gushed.
Only time will tell if the incidents of “stair-related injury” go down.